27 weeks, 5 days
I’ve got a lot going on in my brain right now. I am tired on a lot of levels; physically and otherwise.
Sometimes, I get really anxious and it makes me feel like running around, screaming wildly. I get to feeling like a caged animal. Previously, this was something I experienced while at work in my cubicle. I thought I had learned to cope with that caged-up feeling by entirely disconnecting myself from work once I went home; that tactic has worked for the past year or so. Things have changed though—I’m finding that I still experience that feeling as a result of work, but I’m also feeling the same kind of emotions when I think about this pregnancy. I am trapped by it, and in this case I can’t just go home and forget about it at 4:30. Since it is finite, I know the period of time I’ll spend being pregnant is incomparable to the time I spend at work, but that knowledge is not comforting to me. I suppose you could call it pregnancy claustrophobia.
Compounding the issue is that I take a lot of my frustrations and dump them on my husband. I’m sure that he’s getting tired of hearing about them. It seems as though every complaint, issue, discussion, problem, challenge I have is somehow related to or exacerbated by my pregnancy. I feel bad for dumping on him, and that adds to my anxiety and frustration. I am disappointed that I’m not able to handle this, even just a little, on my own.
I really, really had no inkling that pregnancy was going to have such a deep psychological and emotional impact on me. I’ll admit as I have in the past that I have my share of quirks and issues that I work on (being a control freak for instance, or being the worst at sharing my feelings and exploding when it gets to be too much) but I did not think I would have such a hard time coping with this. What really gets me is that I have not had a physically taxing pregnancy at all, but I still feel psychologically and emotionally smacked in the face by this whole thing…I can’t imagine what it would be like to have lots of complications too. I think now that part of standard pre- and post-natal care should be visits with a licensed family therapist. Pre-natal vitamins to combat birth defects and pre-natal therapy to combat pregnancy blues.
From now on I can no longer view pregnancy simply as a biological process, because it is so much more involved than that. I’m truly sorry for ever scoffing about it. (Maybe I was due for a lesson in empathy, and that’s one of the things I’m meant to take from this experience.) It’s the old adage about walking a mile in another person’s shoes. From now on, I do hereby promise to never again scoff when a pregnant woman says that she is tired or achy or cranky or moody, or roll my eyes when a father has to change plans to be there for his pregnant wife or his children (who is/are probably tired, achy, cranky and moody.) I’ve been there and I know what it’s like to feel vile and not be able to do anything about it.
In the end, I can’t sugarcoat it as I have tried in the past. Several people have asked me recently, “do you like being pregnant?”
“No.” is my blunt reply, and I can’t usually elaborate beyond that.
But I can’t have our baby unless I first carry it, right? I’ve got to put the time in. You are right, and that makes perfect sense. I understand that logic, and yet I still feel lousy. So, to those people that asked, for whom I’ve not had a good explanation, here’s my best attempt:
It’s like loving delicious food but hating to cook. Wanting to travel the world but not wanting to go anywhere. Expecting the reward without doing the work. Selfish, really…which is what makes me feel so crummy.
Who am I to complain? Just gotta keep plugging. I’m going to try hard to keep my chin up. Promise.