Angry Meg.

Labor and delivery: What I expect when I’m (finally) done expecting, and other naivé predictions.

32 weeks, 6 days

In case you haven’t gleaned this fact already, this will be my first foray into any birth other than my own, so I thought it might be entertaining to talk a little about how I expect my birth experience to be. Then, later,  I can go back and laugh hysterically at all of the things I got wrong. Is this a birth plan?  I have no idea, but probably not. Either way, we all win!

I predict that I’ll go into labor at night, because lots of animals give birth at night and this seems logical to me. “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mamm”–yeah never mind that’s going no where fast.

I hope that I can keep it together enough to a.) not panic and b.) avoid unnecessarily rushing right to the labor and delivery wing. I want to go as long as I can without medication (I’m sure some moms out there are already laughing at me). I’ve been reading about other people’s birth experiences and talking to a few mom friends of mine, and I get the impression that the recovery time without medication is much quicker and clearer. I’ve also been advised to just go with it; sage advice in my book. Either way, I’ll finally see if these child-bearing hips I’ve been tagging on door frames and furniture for the past 29 years live up to the hype.

Medications or not, I expect I’ll probably cuss like a sailor throughout the entire process. If my tongue goes all forked and my eyes glaze over, I won’t be surprised at all. I hope to not lash out at TJ, though if the rest of the pregnancy is any indicator, he’ll probably be the unlucky recipient of my frustration. In a twisted way it’s a compliment, really, because I can call him names and threaten him bodily harm and know he won’t get upset since I obviously don’t mean any of it. That is a serious level of comfort, guys. Plus, I know he won’t hold it against me after the fact. For better or worse, right? Thanks, buddy!

Speaking of TJ, it’s well established that he’ll spend most of the time above the ol’ Mason-Dixon line, if you know what I mean. He’s a squeamish one when it comes to graphic medical situations (bless his heart). Fine with me–I’d rather have him conscious and by my head than unconscious and possibly concussed on the floor and missing the whole darned thing.

I’m not going to have 75 people in the delivery room. Let’s be honest everyone; the chances of me pooping on the table are pretty good and frankly, that’s something I’d rather do in front of strangers whom I’ll likely never see again.

I would love to avoid C-section if possible, but understand its necessity as a last resort. Other than that, I can’t really predict much about labor because I just don’t know what it will be like. Consider it a good example of my parturition naiveté.

Braxton-Hicks and I are getting to know each other lately. So far, the relationship has been amicable. As of my last OB appointment, Baby Kelly is already head down (yay!) and we’re hoping he/she stays that way.

BK is also kicking the bejesus out of me lately…mostly at night. I think it keeps me awake to remind me that apparently I’m gestating a comedian. Further evidence of this theory?  The other day I was in the bathroom, bent at the waist and wrapping a towel around my hair. BK took this opportunity to shift its weight quickly to my bladder and in doing so caused me to pee my pants. I hope you laughed at that, since I have to admit that I laughed at myself right there and then because come on!..that’s funny, and I can’t possibly take myself THAT seriously.

After the birth, I am prepared for aggressive lactation consultants who are likely to manhandle my ladybits, for frustration with latching and for the inevitable chapped/cracked/bleeding (?) nipples, for the discomfort that will most certainly be my episiotomy repair and of course the emotional/hormonal crying. Line up, gentlemen–it doesn’t get sexier than that. Most of all, I’m excited to meet this person whom I know but still don’t know at all.

I predict that it will be a girl because I’ve been having dreams about girl babies (scientific, no?) but we’ve had many other people guess that it’s a boy. About a 50/50 split, imagine that! Yes, we have a short list of names. No, we have not picked any. No, I will not share them. Yes, your name is lovely.

I’ve had some anxiety lately because I’ve heard about some new moms with whom we’re acquainted that have given birth weeks and weeks early. Can’t focus on that though, just gotta keep calm and pregatron on.

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